Praying Out of Tired

I am trying to get back to the fight again.

Today I sent an encouragement to a friend and addresses her as mighty warrior. I felt the conviction of her title and knew that I was a mighty warrior too. I have fought for righteousness for many, many years. Why should I stop now? Well I am tired and this is for me. The answer is that I am the righteousness too. I am called to fight for now. I need to speak words of life over me and anoint me also. I am on my way. The word says as a man, or in my case as a woman thinks so she is! I am a holy nation! A royal priest-hood. I am my beloved's and he is mine!

So I just am. Today is a new day and God's mercies are new everyday! Praise God!

So I am moving onward today and through all the stuff that I need to go through. Please pray with me that I have the strength & wisdom to know where to fight and where to not.

Keep on your journey of understanding and believing

I am Tired

well i am finally writing. This time i am writing to me. I am very tired! And also after so many disappointments, I have given up on everything. I am tired of fighting. I think that I am mostly tired of hearing directly, or indirectly that I am not worth it. I have heard it from my parents when I was younger. I have heard it from my ex-husband, and I have seen it in my children too, and most of all, I have heard it over and over again from someone that I have loved. I am done. Yes, I have given up. Here is the bright side. No one will be stuck with any of my bills. No one will be burdened with my needs. No one will have to worry how I am going to get anywhere. No one will have to get anything for me again. I won’t hear anyone telling my not call them again if I need money. And most of all, I won’t have to worry about where I will live, or how I am going to afford my home, or food, gas for my car, or my phone. I am done fighting for life. I have asked God a number of times recently if I had been cursed. If there was something in my past that happened to me where I did not repent of that was causing all of this and I had no answer; nothing. Does that mean that all of the hell/shit/whatever, that has happened to me over all of these years just happened. I am tired. I am tired of being nice to people. I am tired in believing the best in people. I am tired of people making promises and not keeping them!!! To me a persons word means nothing. I am not talking about just one person, but about many people. I can go on and list many things, but it is not worth it.

Meaningless! Has all of my life been meaningless! Have I tried for no good reason! Have I tried to love a man for no good reason because he ended up choosing another woman and he told me how much better she was than I. That was mare painful than I can explain, but was that meaningless. Did it all matter. Does it still matter? It must because I am giving it time on this computer. Where it means something is that I suffered as a wife and a mother. I felt so deficient as a mother, a wife, as a person. For years, I heard that I was not good enough for my husband. He told me over and over again that he could only love one so he choose our daughter to love instead of me. But if I look at that with truthful eyes - is that meaningless? Yes, it is. Looking back, it is no longer worth it. Lies have become truths and are now truly believed. Yes, it is all meaningless. I could go on with other stories, but they are meaningless. But maybe not because it is coming back to bite me again. We choose many things. We choose to love someone, or something. I am experiencing something like that right now. Someone has chosen something else over me. Ouch!

Meaning, or to have meaning. to have significance, definition, or maybe a sense of value. That is the very thing that I am struggling with right now. I want to have meaning. I want it to mean something who I am and what I have done and what I will do. I want it to mean something that I chose God and to do what is right. Because right now it doesn’t feel that way. I feel very lonely because of my choices. Very lonely. I am tired and feeling like it is all meaningless.

Is it meaningless to hope again? Is it all meaningless if we are without God? What what if it feels like I am alone and with out God right now? Is it meaningless?

It has been a tough month

I am back blogging. Praise God!!!

The past month and a half has been a whirl wind of struggles. I don't even know where to start. I've had personal struggles with relationships. I thought that things were one way when I realized there was no change. I realize that I am second guessing regarding my interpersonal skills. I don't even want to trust people with my heart, or just my feelings. I guess that overall, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. On one hand I don't know what to do, and on the other I don't want to do anything.

I thought that I was getting better, and wanted to move on in my life with everyone that I love. But then I started to realize that I was becoming more and more tired. I developed a Neuropathy from the chemo treatments. I can't even describe the pain. I just knew that It was difficult to walk, and painful to lay down too. I needed help and didn't know how to ask for it. When I did, it seemed like everything blew up in my face. I wanted to give up. I lost all hope. I even told God that I could not handle it any more. I wanted to be done.

Then through all of the emotional struggles I had to move and that began as a nightmare, but ended in a good place though I lost the support, and the help of my church. That was hard and is still a difficult place in my heart as I am writing this. I still cry over this.

Then less than a week after moving I was in the hospital and found out that in four months time the cancer had more than doubled in size. I knew something was wrong for a while because the pain was becoming more and more difficult, but the doctors were all saying that it was normal to still have pain. They all assured me that everything was normal for what I was going through. Ouch!

Just a few days later I was in my oncologists' office. The doctor told me the news about the cancer, and said that he was wrong about the type of cancer that it was. It was an aggressive form of cancer and regular chemo therapy was not going to stop it. I need a bone marrow transplant. That is a scary thought.

I started an aggressive series of chemo therapy and it has been a struggle since. A month before I had my medi-port taken out because it was so painful. When I went for chemo therapy the nurses were, I don't how to say it any other way, but freaking out because they didn't know how to give me all of the chemo that was prescribed. Someone made a quick decision to have a pick line put in my arm. That seemed easy except I am having a reaction to the adhesive from the bandages. I have a lot of sores around the tape. Ouch!! Oh, yes, I also got a blood clot where the pick line is and was in the hospital for that too.

This has all been very scary and i cry too often.

Yesterday, after seeing my oncologist, I left there in pain. As the night went on the pain was more difficult to deal with. The pain medicine did not work well at all. I was very sick and in pain. Late last night after laying there and not being able to sleep, I cried out to God! He was my only comfort. I remembered Psalms 91, and kept reciting it to myself until I fell asleep. It is so good when peace comes from the Lord of lords. He is my strength. He is my refuge. I just need to keep remembering that. Lord, help me remember your shelter. Help me remember that is all that I need to do is rest in You, and You will save me from the fowler's snare. You are my protector. Praise God!

He is my Refuge

Tuesday, June 2

This has been a day that I do not want to ever experience again! It has not been one or two things. It has been maybe six, or more different things (I lost count) that are all caving in on me today. OUCH!

I need to BREATH!

I have to admit that things are getting more and more difficult financially, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. I've been wondering - where is God in all of this. I think that things are going one way, and faster than I know it, everything changes in a flash. The carpet is knocked out from under my feet and I fall flat.

I know that the Bible says that though a righteous man may have MANY troubles, the Lord delivers him(me) from them all (Psalms 34:19). And Psalms 112:6 says that a righteous man will be remembered. Proverbs 24:16 says that though a righteous man may fall seven times, he rises up again. Well, I don't know how many times I can rise, and Lord I need you to remember me. I told God today that I am at the end of my rope and I am letting go. I am done. I quit! Then you would not believe what happen, or maybe you will...

I had to go on an errand and left my house crying. I didn’t care what I looked like and I didn’t care what others thought. Enough was enough. I knew that I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and I was fearing everything, and wondering what was going to happen next! Only God knows. I had K-Love playing on my car radio and you would not believe it. The song that was playing was by Matt Redman, You Never Let Go.

OK! Does God have a sense of humor, or what?

I just can't write anymore today.

Thursday, June 11

I have made it through the past week. I didn’t think that I was going to be able to this time. I have had to deal with so many painful experiences both physically and emotionally. I know that God is here, but it does feel like that I am up in the air, and alone in many ways. Maybe He is carrying me. I don’t know at this point, but I want to believe.

I had surgery this past week and there were people here to help me. I was afraid that no one would come, but they did. Praise God! It has felt like everyone has forgotten about me. Maybe it is because I look good and healthy. What they don’t know, or understand is that I still need help. I still need support, most of all - right now with so much changing in my life.

Lord, your Word says that you will never leave us or forsake us. Your Word says that I am your chosen. Like a special one that you want to keep in a special place. Hide me under your wing. Keep me safe in your shelter so that I may rest. Lord, help me. Direct me. For You are good. You are my savior. i love you Lord

Finding Joy

 
 
Finding Joy in the small things

I am learning that when life is difficult, and it has been, I need to find joy in the small things.  I need merry medicine.  I need to seek out the cheerful places in my life that bring joy.  

This past weekend my grandson, Cole, was one of those places.  He is like a walking joy bubble.  You can see it in his eyes.  It is so much fun watching him discover the world.  What a smart little guy he is.  

One afternoon, we went mulberry picking.  My daughter and I gave him a small container to pick his own berries.  He was excited for the opportunity to take part in getting  them himself.  At first he tried picking all the berries: both ripe and not ripe.  That little boy is so smart.  Once we showed him the right color of berry to pick, he had it down.  He would go from tree limb to tree limb very carefully, picking berries.  I am so proud of him.

Here is the funny thing about about our event.  The ground was covered with berries that had fallen from the tree. Cole had walked around picking berries in his bare feet.   As you can see in the photos his little feet are a beautiful purple.  When my daughter and I realized what had happened, we just laughed and laughed.  As you can see Cole loves showing off his feet.  I am blessed to have him as my grandson.  He brings so much joy in my life.  

Cole’s cruddy little feet were a happy moment.  Even as I am writing this right now, I am still smiling from that special time.  Amy and Cole, thank you for the gift of laughter that you give me.  You are a treasure!  I won’t forget.  I will keep thanking God for the joy that you bring.  You are the merry medicine that I needed.  Come back soon! 

I love you 

  

A thought

Hi there.

This has been a difficult week.  Today reading my bible, I came across this in Psalms. The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear?(Psalms) God is my flash light.  He lights the path for me even when it seems like the world is very dark and scary.  I know that God is always faithful even when I am not.  

Praise God.  

The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalms) Even when times seem dark, He, Abba the Father is always stronger than me.  So I can hang on to Him. 

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.(Psalms) I have a lot of dreams Lord.  I am believing in you.  

Rising to the Son

A few days ago, I went walking early in the morning before church. It was a beautiful quiet morning. I saw only two people out; one walking their dog and another person driving their car. It was another morning that I was listening to Audrey’s Gift, by Michael W. Smith. It is so incredible to listen to when you’re walking with God in the morning. The beauty of the Lord just shows through without any difficulty when your eyes are open to it.

That morning, I started to see many of the trees in my neighborhood. Their limbs were raised in the air. It was almost like watching someone raising their hands to the Lord as they worshipped. As I kept walking, I noticed that all of the tree limbs were raised to one degree or another. OK, you can say that they were created to have their limbs turned to the Sun in order to live. I am saying how can they not raise their limbs (arms, hands) to the Son? He is the Creator. He is their Creator. Are they getting ready for the day that we stop raising our hands to the Son? I hope not. I can‘t stop raising my hands, my head, or my life to the Son, the King Of Kings. He is the beautiful One. God’s word says to “Let the fields be jubilant and then all the trees will sing for joy."

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2096:12%20;&version=31;

Then I started noticing the various trees along the street where I was walking. They were beautiful. There was a maple tree filled with it’s helicopter shaped seed cases. Then something happened. It was like my world went from being black and white to full color. This experience was like walking through a gauze curtain, but once you crossed over to the other side, everything was clearer. Or maybe as I was walking and everything that was blurry then became so very clear that my own eyes were trying to grasp what was happening. It was like I was alone with God walking and He illuminated all of His creation. I can’t tell you the incredible peace that I felt around me and then - in me. It was powerful. It was better than being Dorothy going from a black and white tornado spun house to the colorful land of Oz. It was brighter than bright.

I looked at the other trees and then started to reflect on how their seeds would be sent out and where the germination process would start. Just think about it for a moment. Wow, the possibilities are endless. Once, after traveling from Upstate New York to Virginia, I had taken a few of the helicopter (Maple) seeds off my car and tossed them to the ground. I have childhood memories of even playing with the helicopter seeds myself. I would throw them in the air and watch them fly off into the sky. I’ve watched squirrels carry off acorns and dig small holes for their special stash. The simple beauty of the wind blowing carries off seeds to sprout and then develop another new tree. A bird may pick up a seed, fly off with it and somewhere in its travels, the seed is dropped miles from it’s tree of origin. There are many ways seeds are transported from the trees. This too is God’s purpose. He called it into being on the third day of the world's birth. And He said that it was good!

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=1&chapter=1&version=31

For me, I have traveled to many places. Now I am living in Virginia and struggling with my own purpose. I wonder, am I naturally doing His will just by being me here today writing about His beauty? Is this it, or is there more? I want to say yes! There is more! Though there are many days that I struggle, is this my purpose too?

After sharing my testimony, I have had so many people share with me that I have encouraged them. I know that I am an encourager, but I just can’t understand how my struggle and pain has encouraged them. Lord, could you please show me the purpose in this?

In Psalms 96, the Word speaks of, “let the fields be jubilant (love the word), and everything in them. Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy.” After watching the trees on this walk, I am convinced that they are getting ready for the Lord. They are getting ready to worship him before He comes. Now, understand, I am not one of those people who is yelling out that the end times are here. I believe that there may be rumblings of Jesus coming, but there is still too much to happen before that, and besides I want to pay attention to what is happening now. I want to find out what the purpose for today is and then try to the best of my strength to follow the Splendor of the Lord.

So my purpose of today is to first glorify Him today. It is a day of new mercies. A day of new loves. A day to pay attention and just be me. A happy day

May God richly bless you as you pay attention.