The Upside To Cancer

Remember

2010-03-01T12:15:00.004-05:00

The past few weeks I have had a few setbacks. OK, I got knocked off my feet and down to my butt. And maybe took on some gravel on because of feeling like I was being dragged through the crap too. Just plain and simple the past few week have been harder than I have ever thought I could take on again, but I am still here.

Today a friend contacted me about something and I felt led to give them a hopeful word for their son. Then as I was reading it, I realized that I needed to listen to it too.

Here it is.

You are here,

not by chance

Remember:

Your special days

Laughs you have given others,

and them to you

The special places you’ve been

There is more and don’t give up

Keep running your race

Fit your feet with the right shoes

prepare your head with what is needed

Love with an everlasting love,

and don’t stop no matter what!

I hope someone is encouraged

Linda

The Path

2010-02-08T14:20:00.001-05:00

I found myself thinking today about how bored I am and how I want to do something like laundry, or cooking. Both of which I can't do at this time because my blood counts are too low. Who would of though that they would hear anyone say they wanted to do laundry, or even cook? If this is the first time, let tell you that it has been months since I have cooked or done laundry by myself. The doctors have said that I am neutropenic. My white blood count is so low that my body can't fight infections, or diseases. So, I don't do anything dirty. I can only do clean things around the house like type stories, or play on my computer, or read a book. I can sleep too. God? how long is this going to be my path? I am thankful for so many things that you have shown me through this experience, but how much longer?

Oh then an answer comes. Path. What do you mean path? I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. psalms 119:32 Pathe is a way for me. A track God has created for me to follow. Proverbs 3:6 reminds me to acknowledge Him in all my ways, and He will make my paths straight. It reminded me of when I was a kid and I would hear straighen up and fly right. It was always in reference to my behavior. But if I acknowledge Him in all my ways,do I have to be concerned with my behavior, or the way I express myself . Hmmmm... you tell me, or is this something for God to answer alone?

The only thing that I know today is that my path, at this point is to rest and stay as healthy as I can. That means no cooking, cleaning, or laundry. I need to be at peace with that today. Thank you Lord

I found this photo of a path and I thought of the many places a path can bring us. Remember, if you acknowledge God in all your ways, he will make your path straight no matter where He leads you.

I think that it is time to listen to some great music and read a book.

bye for now

Finally Back

2010-02-05T12:54:00.002-05:00

Here I am, Back blogging! It has been a long hard road. After two series of chemo, the cancer wasn't stopped. I have spent another seven month fighting this cancer. I've had to change doctors and a hospital too. It has been a wild ride. I believe that I am on the other side. Through all of this there are a few things that I have learned.

Support from family and friends is essential
Stop and pay attention to the world around you
It may be saying something to you
There may be someone that may need to know they are beautifully and wonderfully made
Think like a child. They still believe even when they don't see
God has created a beautiful world - Just look
Relationships are important and become few and far between with stress from cancer
Give those who don't understand up to God. He knows what to do
What I am going through is also for others too.
Everyone is changing around me. I must be changing too
I don't have to do it all by myself
I don't have to do anything, but rest
God knows best
Remember: God knows best

These are just a few things that I have learned. Who knows there must be more. There is always more. Praise God. He has begun a good work in me!

I love you God

Praying Out of Tired

2009-09-18T11:34:00.005-04:00

I am trying to get back to the fight again.

Today I sent an encouragement to a friend and addresses her as mighty warrior. I felt the conviction of her title and knew that I was a mighty warrior too. I have fought for righteousness for many, many years. Why should I stop now? Well I am tired and this is for me. The answer is that I am the righteousness too. I am called to fight for now. I need to speak words of life over me and anoint me also. I am on my way. The word says as a man, or in my case as a woman thinks so she is! I am a holy nation! A royal priest-hood. I am my beloved's and he is mine!

So I just am. Today is a new day and God's mercies are new everyday! Praise God!

So I am moving onward today and through all the stuff that I need to go through. Please pray with me that I have the strength & wisdom to know where to fight and where to not.

Keep on your journey of understanding and believing

I am Tired

2009-09-12T19:30:00.001-04:00

well i am finally writing. This time i am writing to me. I am very tired! And also after so many disappointments, I have given up on everything. I am tired of fighting. I think that I am mostly tired of hearing directly, or indirectly that I am not worth it. I have heard it from my parents when I was younger. I have heard it from my ex-husband, and I have seen it in my children too, and most of all, I have heard it over and over again from someone that I have loved. I am done. Yes, I have given up. Here is the bright side. No one will be stuck with any of my bills. No one will be burdened with my needs. No one will have to worry how I am going to get anywhere. No one will have to get anything for me again. I won’t hear anyone telling my not call them again if I need money. And most of all, I won’t have to worry about where I will live, or how I am going to afford my home, or food, gas for my car, or my phone. I am done fighting for life. I have asked God a number of times recently if I had been cursed. If there was something in my past that happened to me where I did not repent of that was causing all of this and I had no answer; nothing. Does that mean that all of the hell/shit/whatever, that has happened to me over all of these years just happened. I am tired. I am tired of being nice to people. I am tired in believing the best in people. I am tired of people making promises and not keeping them!!! To me a persons word means nothing. I am not talking about just one person, but about many people. I can go on and list many things, but it is not worth it.

Meaningless! Has all of my life been meaningless! Have I tried for no good reason! Have I tried to love a man for no good reason because he ended up choosing another woman and he told me how much better she was than I. That was mare painful than I can explain, but was that meaningless. Did it all matter. Does it still matter? It must because I am giving it time on this computer. Where it means something is that I suffered as a wife and a mother. I felt so deficient as a mother, a wife, as a person. For years, I heard that I was not good enough for my husband. He told me over and over again that he could only love one so he choose our daughter to love instead of me. But if I look at that with truthful eyes - is that meaningless? Yes, it is. Looking back, it is no longer worth it. Lies have become truths and are now truly believed. Yes, it is all meaningless. I could go on with other stories, but they are meaningless. But maybe not because it is coming back to bite me again. We choose many things. We choose to love someone, or something. I am experiencing something like that right now. Someone has chosen something else over me. Ouch!

Meaning, or to have meaning. to have significance, definition, or maybe a sense of value. That is the very thing that I am struggling with right now. I want to have meaning. I want it to mean something who I am and what I have done and what I will do. I want it to mean something that I chose God and to do what is right. Because right now it doesn’t feel that way. I feel very lonely because of my choices. Very lonely. I am tired and feeling like it is all meaningless.

Is it meaningless to hope again? Is it all meaningless if we are without God? What what if it feels like I am alone and with out God right now? Is it meaningless?

It has been a tough month

2009-08-05T16:13:00.004-04:00

I am back blogging. Praise God!!!

The past month and a half has been a whirl wind of struggles. I don't even know where to start. I've had personal struggles with relationships. I thought that things were one way when I realized there was no change. I realize that I am second guessing regarding my interpersonal skills. I don't even want to trust people with my heart, or just my feelings. I guess that overall, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. On one hand I don't know what to do, and on the other I don't want to do anything.

I thought that I was getting better, and wanted to move on in my life with everyone that I love. But then I started to realize that I was becoming more and more tired. I developed a Neuropathy from the chemo treatments. I can't even describe the pain. I just knew that It was difficult to walk, and painful to lay down too. I needed help and didn't know how to ask for it. When I did, it seemed like everything blew up in my face. I wanted to give up. I lost all hope. I even told God that I could not handle it any more. I wanted to be done.

Then through all of the emotional struggles I had to move and that began as a nightmare, but ended in a good place though I lost the support, and the help of my church. That was hard and is still a difficult place in my heart as I am writing this. I still cry over this.

Then less than a week after moving I was in the hospital and found out that in four months time the cancer had more than doubled in size. I knew something was wrong for a while because the pain was becoming more and more difficult, but the doctors were all saying that it was normal to still have pain. They all assured me that everything was normal for what I was going through. Ouch!

Just a few days later I was in my oncologists' office. The doctor told me the news about the cancer, and said that he was wrong about the type of cancer that it was. It was an aggressive form of cancer and regular chemo therapy was not going to stop it. I need a bone marrow transplant. That is a scary thought.

I started an aggressive series of chemo therapy and it has been a struggle since. A month before I had my medi-port taken out because it was so painful. When I went for chemo therapy the nurses were, I don't how to say it any other way, but freaking out because they didn't know how to give me all of the chemo that was prescribed. Someone made a quick decision to have a pick line put in my arm. That seemed easy except I am having a reaction to the adhesive from the bandages. I have a lot of sores around the tape. Ouch!! Oh, yes, I also got a blood clot where the pick line is and was in the hospital for that too.

This has all been very scary and i cry too often.

Yesterday, after seeing my oncologist, I left there in pain. As the night went on the pain was more difficult to deal with. The pain medicine did not work well at all. I was very sick and in pain. Late last night after laying there and not being able to sleep, I cried out to God! He was my only comfort. I remembered Psalms 91, and kept reciting it to myself until I fell asleep. It is so good when peace comes from the Lord of lords. He is my strength. He is my refuge. I just need to keep remembering that. Lord, help me remember your shelter. Help me remember that is all that I need to do is rest in You, and You will save me from the fowler's snare. You are my protector. Praise God!

He is my Refuge

2009-06-11T16:36:00.000-04:00

Tuesday, June 2

This has been a day that I do not want to ever experience again! It has not been one or two things. It has been maybe six, or more different things (I lost count) that are all caving in on me today. OUCH!

I need to BREATH!

I have to admit that things are getting more and more difficult financially, physically, emotionally, and even spiritually. I've been wondering - where is God in all of this. I think that things are going one way, and faster than I know it, everything changes in a flash. The carpet is knocked out from under my feet and I fall flat.

I know that the Bible says that though a righteous man may have MANY troubles, the Lord delivers him(me) from them all (Psalms 34:19). And Psalms 112:6 says that a righteous man will be remembered. Proverbs 24:16 says that though a righteous man may fall seven times, he rises up again. Well, I don't know how many times I can rise, and Lord I need you to remember me. I told God today that I am at the end of my rope and I am letting go. I am done. I quit! Then you would not believe what happen, or maybe you will...

I had to go on an errand and left my house crying. I didn’t care what I looked like and I didn’t care what others thought. Enough was enough. I knew that I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and I was fearing everything, and wondering what was going to happen next! Only God knows. I had K-Love playing on my car radio and you would not believe it. The song that was playing was by Matt Redman, You Never Let Go.

OK! Does God have a sense of humor, or what?

I just can't write anymore today.

Thursday, June 11

I have made it through the past week. I didn’t think that I was going to be able to this time. I have had to deal with so many painful experiences both physically and emotionally. I know that God is here, but it does feel like that I am up in the air, and alone in many ways. Maybe He is carrying me. I don’t know at this point, but I want to believe.

I had surgery this past week and there were people here to help me. I was afraid that no one would come, but they did. Praise God! It has felt like everyone has forgotten about me. Maybe it is because I look good and healthy. What they don’t know, or understand is that I still need help. I still need support, most of all - right now with so much changing in my life.

Lord, your Word says that you will never leave us or forsake us. Your Word says that I am your chosen. Like a special one that you want to keep in a special place. Hide me under your wing. Keep me safe in your shelter so that I may rest. Lord, help me. Direct me. For You are good. You are my savior. i love you Lord

Finding Joy

2009-06-07T23:24:00.003-04:00

Finding Joy in the small things

I am learning that when life is difficult, and it has been, I need to find joy in the small things. I need merry medicine. I need to seek out the cheerful places in my life that bring joy.

This past weekend my grandson, Cole, was one of those places. He is like a walking joy bubble. You can see it in his eyes. It is so much fun watching him discover the world. What a smart little guy he is.

One afternoon, we went mulberry picking. My daughter and I gave him a small container to pick his own berries. He was excited for the opportunity to take part in getting them himself. At first he tried picking all the berries: both ripe and not ripe. That little boy is so smart. Once we showed him the right color of berry to pick, he had it down. He would go from tree limb to tree limb very carefully, picking berries. I am so proud of him.

Here is the funny thing about about our event. The ground was covered with berries that had fallen from the tree. Cole had walked around picking berries in his bare feet. As you can see in the photos his little feet are a beautiful purple. When my daughter and I realized what had happened, we just laughed and laughed. As you can see Cole loves showing off his feet. I am blessed to have him as my grandson. He brings so much joy in my life.

Cole’s cruddy little feet were a happy moment. Even as I am writing this right now, I am still smiling from that special time. Amy and Cole, thank you for the gift of laughter that you give me. You are a treasure! I won’t forget. I will keep thanking God for the joy that you bring. You are the merry medicine that I needed. Come back soon!

I love you

A thought

2009-05-21T22:16:00.002-04:00

Hi there.

This has been a difficult week. Today reading my bible, I came across this in Psalms. The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear?(Psalms) God is my flash light. He lights the path for me even when it seems like the world is very dark and scary. I know that God is always faithful even when I am not.

Praise God.

The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalms) Even when times seem dark, He, Abba the Father is always stronger than me. So I can hang on to Him.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.(Psalms) I have a lot of dreams Lord. I am believing in you.

Rising to the Son

2009-05-20T14:39:00.002-04:00

A few days ago, I went walking early in the morning before church. It was a beautiful quiet morning. I saw only two people out; one walking their dog and another person driving their car. It was another morning that I was listening to Audrey’s Gift, by Michael W. Smith. It is so incredible to listen to when you’re walking with God in the morning. The beauty of the Lord just shows through without any difficulty when your eyes are open to it.

That morning, I started to see many of the trees in my neighborhood. Their limbs were raised in the air. It was almost like watching someone raising their hands to the Lord as they worshipped. As I kept walking, I noticed that all of the tree limbs were raised to one degree or another. OK, you can say that they were created to have their limbs turned to the Sun in order to live. I am saying how can they not raise their limbs (arms, hands) to the Son? He is the Creator. He is their Creator. Are they getting ready for the day that we stop raising our hands to the Son? I hope not. I can‘t stop raising my hands, my head, or my life to the Son, the King Of Kings. He is the beautiful One. God’s word says to “Let the fields be jubilant and then all the trees will sing for joy."

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2096:12%20;&version=31;

Then I started noticing the various trees along the street where I was walking. They were beautiful. There was a maple tree filled with it’s helicopter shaped seed cases. Then something happened. It was like my world went from being black and white to full color. This experience was like walking through a gauze curtain, but once you crossed over to the other side, everything was clearer. Or maybe as I was walking and everything that was blurry then became so very clear that my own eyes were trying to grasp what was happening. It was like I was alone with God walking and He illuminated all of His creation. I can’t tell you the incredible peace that I felt around me and then - in me. It was powerful. It was better than being Dorothy going from a black and white tornado spun house to the colorful land of Oz. It was brighter than bright.

I looked at the other trees and then started to reflect on how their seeds would be sent out and where the germination process would start. Just think about it for a moment. Wow, the possibilities are endless. Once, after traveling from Upstate New York to Virginia, I had taken a few of the helicopter (Maple) seeds off my car and tossed them to the ground. I have childhood memories of even playing with the helicopter seeds myself. I would throw them in the air and watch them fly off into the sky. I’ve watched squirrels carry off acorns and dig small holes for their special stash. The simple beauty of the wind blowing carries off seeds to sprout and then develop another new tree. A bird may pick up a seed, fly off with it and somewhere in its travels, the seed is dropped miles from it’s tree of origin. There are many ways seeds are transported from the trees. This too is God’s purpose. He called it into being on the third day of the world's birth. And He said that it was good!

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=1&chapter=1&version=31

For me, I have traveled to many places. Now I am living in Virginia and struggling with my own purpose. I wonder, am I naturally doing His will just by being me here today writing about His beauty? Is this it, or is there more? I want to say yes! There is more! Though there are many days that I struggle, is this my purpose too?

After sharing my testimony, I have had so many people share with me that I have encouraged them. I know that I am an encourager, but I just can’t understand how my struggle and pain has encouraged them. Lord, could you please show me the purpose in this?

In Psalms 96, the Word speaks of, “let the fields be jubilant (love the word), and everything in them. Then all the trees of the forest will sing for joy.” After watching the trees on this walk, I am convinced that they are getting ready for the Lord. They are getting ready to worship him before He comes. Now, understand, I am not one of those people who is yelling out that the end times are here. I believe that there may be rumblings of Jesus coming, but there is still too much to happen before that, and besides I want to pay attention to what is happening now. I want to find out what the purpose for today is and then try to the best of my strength to follow the Splendor of the Lord.

So my purpose of today is to first glorify Him today. It is a day of new mercies. A day of new loves. A day to pay attention and just be me. A happy day

May God richly bless you as you pay attention.

Wow, Something to Think About

2009-05-05T20:14:00.001-04:00

Wow!

Praying to “pay attention” is an can have an amazing out come when your heart is open to see what the Heavenly Father has for you!

Sunday-

Lord,I am paying Attention!

Today was a struggle to go to Church. It was difficult for many reasons; however, when your heart is ready, God is always faithful to follow through. Hmmmm... He is always ready to follow through with His word. It does not matter where we are in our lives.

At Church, Our teaching was on Mark 5:25-34

It was about the woman who suffered for 12 years with the issue of blood. I have heard that it is believed that she suffered from a tumor, maybe cancer. What ever it was she suffered for a long time.

The theme of our teaching was, “Living out our purposes by living it through our struggle.” Yes, through the process of living we are suppose to struggle. I think that I have written about this somewhere before, but I must not have gotten it, because I have a vague recollection. Apparently I didn’t get it. How many times may we know, or hear something, but forget about it until someone, or something reminds you just at the right time and you see it entirely in a totally new way. We are good forgetters.

This I don’t want to forget. If the key to learning is repetition then I must keep hearing about the victory of struggle and talking about it to get this image of struggle right. Ultimately, I want to be on the other side of this struggle with success.

Like Jeremiah, God knew me before I was born. He knit me in my mother’s whom. Hey, I know how to knit. There is a pattern that is followed. Each piece is planned and made to fit with other pieces to eventually make one garment. The knitter makes each stitch carefully. Each knit or pearl stitch is done until the completion. In order to make a decoration design, the knitter may need to increase, or decrease the number of stitches, or may add one or more colors to the knitter’s beautiful creation. I still have a few sweaters that I’ve made for my children. Ironically, those sweaters have been worn for many years and stored for at least 25 years, and they still look the same. There are a few pills and you can tell that they have been worn.

Just like me, I am older now, but I am still the same. I still have the same core giftings that I was created for and born with. I am still in process everyday to be the person that God has created me to be. I am still me as this process develops me to be more like Jesus. Here is a funny thought - I feel like I have a few strings loose that need to be tied up. Only God knows what or how they will be tied up.

Prayer to Pay Attention

2009-05-03T08:05:00.004-04:00

Pay Attention!

It is Sunday morning again. The week is about to begin. What am I learning today? What do I see? What am I listening too? Where are my happy places that I go to visit often for peace? Where do I go to remember for encouragement. I go to the Lord!

Lord I still believe!! I will keep believing with Your Help! Praise God! Jeremy Camp has a song called, I Still Believe. It is on this blog. I hope that it is playing right now. It is exactly what I am believing for my life right now! I will not give up. I will run my race. I will keep looking for what You, God the Father, has for me as long as I call each day today.

I will go to your Word Lord, for Your encouragement. I will read about David and how he knew that you were his strength. You were who he went to for encouragement. You were who he sung too and praised. You said that he was a man after your own heart. Lord give me your heart today. Let me see you - That I may have the heart of the Lord's today, and each day to come. Praise God

I want to pay attention today.

Let my mouth be slow to speak.

Help me to go beyond my circumstances, and pay attention to You today. Praise The Lord!

In Jesus Name!

Amen

2009-05-01T22:09:00.000-04:00

More Hope, With Patience Too:

Wow,I believe that I heard from the Lord today!

This past week has been very difficult. I got news from my doctor that there was some shrinkage with the tumors. Also, some tumors did not shrink at all. The most difficult to hear was that I can not take any more of the chemo therapy that I have been receiving. And I am not in remission. Wow! That was overwhelming for a few days.

I knew that God was not done with this yet, and that I was to be going through more of this struggle was difficult to know in my heart, but it was one thing hearing it out loud. When the doctor said he didn’t know what to do because I could no longer take the Chemo. I was a little numb. I think it was like hearing Charlie Brown’s teacher talking. He said that this chemo would damage my bones and heart if I took any more. The first Chemo treatment were difficult because I was allergic to it, so they had to stop and give me a different kind of chemo.

Again, I heard the doctor say that he “didn’t know what to do.” I happily said that I wanted to start the chemo that I was allergic too again. It just came out of my mouth! This stuff is very nasty!!! I call it the, “rat medicine.” Yes, they do use rats to make the stuff somehow.

Sunday Morning-

For me, I heard hope. While we were worshiping God at Church, I heard Psalms 150:6. “Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.” Then it got even better! I heard, “Linda Praise God more because While you are praising God, every cell is praising Him too. And, the unhealthy cells will not be able to live in amongst the praising healthy cells.

That was amazing! I began to worship God more! Even though I was physically hurting, It was fun worshiping The Lord of lords. I love to worship God, so I asked the Lord to show me what is different about this worship. God showed me that I didn’t worship Him like I have since the chemo treatments had started. Mostly what I had been doing was just listening to worship music and just worshiping in Church.

Monday

Ok, this is getting even better. I went to see a non-traditional doctor today. She started to talk to me about nutrition. She shared about how cancer cells can not live in an oxygenated body. She shared that I need to eat foods that increase oxygen in my body. She also told me that I need to reduce the inflammation in my body. I have to start a non-inflammatory diet. I am going to be getting educated on so many things in the next few weeks.

After I listened to her, I remembered what I heard at Church. First, everything that has breath praise the Lord; second, praising also goes to the cellular level - meaning that even my cells will be praising the Lord; and third, the unhealthy cells can’t live in amongst the healthy praising cells. My praising body will be taking in air! Oxygen!

Encouraging Friends

2009-04-23T21:37:00.002-04:00

I have a friend named, Shermaine. Here is her picture. She has been faithful to call me almost everyday. She is a true blessing! I want to thank her for being that encouraging rock on my life. What friend can you thank for being there for you? Thank them for being there when you need them.

Thank you Shermaine. You are a blessing!

May God richly bless you.

Daniel

2009-04-16T13:50:00.005-04:00

This is Daniel, my youngest grandson. He is a curious discoverer. When I look at him, I wonder what is God's plan for him. Where will this little guy be in five, ten, or twenty years.

These are photos that my daughter-in-law took of him when they were visiting the day we went to the ocean front. This little guy did not like being put down in the sand, but he was still willing to discover the sand ever so cautiously. What a beautiful little guy he is. There is so much that he will discover in his life.

My hope and desire for him and all of my other grand children is that they will fulfill God's plan and purpose for their lives.

Daniel's name means, "God is my judge & Discerning."

Daniel just recently became 17 months old.

He is a special little guy. What I truly love about him and his sisters is that they love simple things. I am so proud of how their parents love them as they are growing up. It is a blessing to see all that they do to teach them the simple things of love. They are the best and they teach me every time I see them.

I can't wait to see them again. They are all a treasure.

May God richly bless them, and may God bless you.

2009-04-16T13:30:00.001-04:00

I have heard the saying, “Bloom where you’re planted” for many years, but recently, I have been hearing it more & more over the past few days. I read the same saying in a book just last night. This morning, I found a bag of sprouting bulbs in my garage. They were growing and preparing to bloom in a small cardboard box. The bulbs were not in their ideal place, but they still had beautiful little green shoots poking out of them.

It is also spring, and both flowers and trees are in bloom. OK! I am paying attention to what is happening. Sometimes, we don’t always see what is happening in front of us the first time, and the things keep on repeating themselves until you get it. I don’t know if I’m totally getting it, but I do know that God is trying to tell me something. I want to pay attention. I am taking notice to what is happening.

I have a friend that is struggling where she is, and trying to get out of a situation that she has been in for some time. Actually, as I am here thinking about this, I can think about many people struggling where they are in their lives. I am struggling too. I had a CT scan yesterday. I want to be over with this cancer struggle, but I have this deep sense that it is not over yet. God has a purpose in everything. God’s word says that we are more than conquerors! “ And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

I know that struggle is good, even though I don’t always want to experience it. Struggle stretches. Struggle is forceful and causes constriction. Struggle hurts. OK, here is the truth. Struggle is an OUCH!

As I am whining about struggle, this thought came to mind. A butterfly has to struggle to get through it’s cocoon. The cocoon is there for the protection, and growth of the butterfly while it is in it’s larvae state. When the time comes, the butterfly needs to struggle to leave it’s cocoon. There is struggle in birth for both the mother and the baby. There is struggle when buying a house. I could go on and fill this blog with lists of struggles, but I won’t. We all have races to run- hurdles to jump - mountains to climb. You know your struggle.

For me today, there is the struggle of fighting this disease. I am keeping in mind that on the other side of struggle, there is beauty. So, God, Keep your work going. Let your plans stand firm in me forever. Let the purposes of your heart stand firm. You are the God that fulfills your purpose in me and in all generations. Today, I am crying out to the God Most High, who fulfills His purpose. Lord do not abandon Your works. Praise God! Help me Lord to Bloom right here where I am planted. Help me bloom through this struggle of cancer today. You are a mighty God and Your Word stands forever!

Remember: His Loves endures forever. I can get through all things and do all things through the God who loves & strengthens me!

May God bless you today.

Purpose!

2009-04-02T12:44:00.003-04:00

I believe that nothing happens by accident. God has a plan. He has a purpose for you. Nothing goes by him, and he has not forgotten you. What is the reason that you were created? Why do you exist? Search it out if you don't know, but find your purpose.

Meet Some of the Women That Serve at the Treatment Center

2009-04-02T12:02:00.004-04:00

Meet Fely, she has been serving me since I have been getting chemo today. She is very kind. I love chatting with her when we can. Unfortunately, with all of the financial cuts here at the hospital, she doesn't have the time to visit like she did because there are not enough people working in the Cancer Treatment Center. Our visits were just for a few minutes, but they were like little treasures from heaven. You just know that she loves Jesus. Fely, is a true servant of the Lord. I know that she must get tired, but I never see it. She just keeps on going. Thank you Fely for all that you do.

Meet Cynthia, She was serving our lunches yesterday, and when she was done, she came back to ask me a few questions. I am blessed to have an apple computer. Cynthia wanted to know more about apple computers. She was a sweet lady. While I was talking with her, I showed her one of the fun application that take our pictures so, naturally, I took her picture too. It was so much fun discovering something about my computer and sharing it with her too.

I have been looking around here today. The center is full with sick people. The man next to me is full of bruises from his transfusions. I heard the nurse tell him that he is running out of veins for his transfusions. He seems to be very frail. Lord, bless him today, and heal his body. The women next to me is also getting treatment for cancer. right now she is eating, but she has slept most of the time that she has been here. She has a sweet smile.

Father, you are the healer of all things. Father I prey in Jesus name that you will heal all of the people in this room today. There is not one person in this room that does not need you. I don't know if they know you or not, but I prey that some time today, they may see your beauty. I pray that they would experience a special healing from you. And that means me too! And in advance, I want to thank you for all of the healings that have happened in this room today - especially mine! You are a great God!

I Will Rise

2009-04-02T11:52:00.005-04:00

I am at The Cancer Treatment Center today. It has been very busy here today. I am getting more tired today. This is normal. I usually write for the blog while I am here; although, yesterday afternoon, I felt that I needed to write all that God was doing yesterday. God is so amazing. I could not stop what was happening, and then everything was lost.

I don’t believe it! This is the second time this week that what I had written for The Upside to Cancer has been deleted, lost. This has been a struggle. I am trying to write about the beautiful things that the Lord has done and then they disappear. I will not give up! Maybe this is a thought that I need to remember for today.

I listened to a song by Chris Tomlin, called, I will rise. For me that is a peace with Jesus. I may become disappointed, but I will still say it is well with my soul. Because Jesus has overcome, I can overcome too. No matter what happens, I will keep rising on the eagles wings. Yes, I will hope in the Lord. My strength will be renewed. I will soar on wings like eagles. Even though I may be truly tired from this chemo treatment, I will still walk and not grow faint. Yes, I am going to keep Praising the Lord of lords!

2009-03-27T09:44:00.001-04:00

OPPS! Or maybe it is a Hmmmmmm...

I wrote this with my other posting on Encouragement; however, it was never published with my draft.

The piece on Encouragement reminds me of the apostle Paul when he wrote to the Roman Christians. He encouraged them to encourage one another. Paul reminded them, that everything that was written, was written to teach and encourage. He said, “that through endurance and encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.” He also wrote that his desire was, “that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each others faith. If I can inspire you, find the Scriptures that encourage us to encourage, or champion one another, and I pray that they may encourage you also. When you are ready, go and motivate, spur on, stir up, rally, or just plain encourage one another so that they may dare to run and persevere in the race that they are called to complete.

May God richly bless you

Encouragement

2009-03-26T00:30:00.003-04:00

The end of this week, Buddy and I were traveling to Louisiana and Texas. On one of the plane trips, we were boarding the plane. As I was walking down the isle a very beautiful older women stopped me and said that my hair cut was beautiful. She commented that she had always liked that type of haircut but never had the guts to cut her hair that short. The women’s hair was long, and a beautiful platinum blonde color. She had long puffy bangs with big puffy curls. I just loved looking at her hair. OK, I just wanted to look at her - she was beautiful.

When I started back to my chair, I almost started to cry. After I buckled into my seat I continued to think about that blessing. Believe me it was a blessing from the Lord.

I had spent the last two days crying for many reason: The first reason was that I gained twenty pounds somehow during my last two chemo treatments; the second was that none of my clothes were fitting me properly and I did not have any extra money to buy anything new; the third, was that my hair was very, very short and not my color; and the final, I was going to meet Buddy’s family and after hearing some family stories, I have to admit that I was nervous. I realized that I was under a great deal of stress. Both of those nights I woke up and started to pray. That was truly what I needed: God’s strength and beautiful peace to get through this trial.

Well, getting back to the plane. As I was buckling up, I felt like the Lord was speaking to me, and I heard, “to be careful how to entertain strangers, for you may be entertaining angels unawares.” (I love that word, “unawares”) I felt very blessed when that women spoke about how beautiful my hair cut was. She didn’t know that I was diagnosed with cancer, and lost my beautiful long red hair just two weeks after being diagnosed. She didn’t know that my hair was just now growing back and that I was struggling with the hair color because it was no longer red, but grey and white. She didn’t even know that I had gained twenty pounds and was struggling with how I looked. She didn’t know how I had desperately needed Jesus that week, or maybe she did, or just, maybe God did? When it all came down to it, I didn’t care. All that mattered to me was that she saw beauty and she shared that with me. That women was gifted as an encourager. Lord, thank you for the blessing!

I believe that many, if not all women that battle cancer, struggle with many issues. One of the issues may be their beauty. I know for me, I didn’t feel beautiful anymore. Please understand, that I am not a vain person always worried about what I look like, or how others may see me. That has not been in the forefront of my mind; however, this thing that they call cancer can pull the rug from under a person, and it did me.

Many of my friends would tell me of the beauty that they would see in me, but I knew that I had to see it for myself. I had to look for the upside and find my beauty again. Here is how it all started. My most favorite was watching my grandchildren. Being with my children was great too, but being with the babies was the best medicine that I could ever have. My grandchildren were natural encouragers. They encouraged me with their questions. I especially loved Abby looking at me with her questioning look. She is good at crossing her arms, and without saying a word, you just know she is thinking, “hey, wait a minute.” They encourage me with their giggles, and their beautiful smiles. Children, especially my grandchildren have the best little laughs. (I know that I can be biased) Then I realized that being with anyone else could be encouraging too.

During all of this struggle, people would share with me how I had encouraged them during our visits. Please don’t misunderstand me, I did not always share all of the wonderful things that were happening because wonderful things were not always happening. This has been hard, and scary, and stressful, and I can go on, but I think that you get my drift. I shared my sorrows, but I also shared how God was bringing me through them all. What I have realized is that the beauty of it all is that encouragement raises confidence. Confidence helps others in their walk to dare to do their own difficult challenges no matter what they are going through. And here is the blessing, or the beauty of it all. I got encouraged back. First, I didn’t even know that I was blessing any of the people that I talked with until after I had shared my stories. After each visit, I realized that God had used me. Yes, the beauty of the Lord was used in me. His beauty was all over me, and I was used no matter where I was, or how I looked on the outside. I started to see my beauty and I was totally unaware that it was there the whole time. Praise God. I think that being unaware of it is the best because it keeps you, or in my case, me humble.

If I can encourage you in any way. Encourage! Encourage those you love to go further. Encourage strangers around you no matter where you are. Inspiring someone can spur them on to boldly go where they have not been before. OK, this may sound a little corny, but it is true, and that is the beauty of it all.

May God the Father bless you mightily

Pay Attention

2009-03-12T11:36:00.002-04:00

Cancer is hard, but when there is someone close to you supporting you and loving you through it, you know that everything will work out.

Buddy and I have been friends for just over a year now. He lives across the street from me. Yes, he is my neighbor. from the first time I met him, I thought that he was a very kind and sweet man. He has always been a good friend. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with cancer September 2008, that we became closer. He has helped me with so many things. The first day that he knew about the cancer, he cried with me, and offered to help me with anything that I needed. Buddy has always been the support that I have needed. He is a gift from the Lord.

I never thought of Buddy as anything other than a friend. The upside to this cancer is that I have found a man that I love. I don't know if I would have seen him in any other way if it were not for the cancer. He makes me laugh with his silly voices. Oh, he just makes me laugh.

I could list all of his qualities, but I will save that for later.

What is important is to pay attention to what God has put around you. The beauty of the world that the Lord has for us is out there. I pray that God will open our eyes each day to see His goodness. If His mercies are new every morning, then we have an opportunity to be open to the events to be grateful. I am grateful for the opportunity to love again. I am grateful that cancer has caused me to pay attention. I am grateful for the opportunity to find God in everything that is around me. Thank you Lord!

Family Visit

2009-03-12T10:12:00.005-04:00

My family came to visit this past weekend. I love them so much. They are like a merry medicine for me. I laugh and laugh when they come. Even though I do get tired, I just want to be around them all of the time to talk, do crafts, play games, watch the them play, and talk some more. They are the BEST !

2009-02-26T10:41:00.006-05:00

This week is a chemo week. Finally, after the four week resting period from my last chemo treatment, and waiting an additional four weeks for my white blood counts to go to normal, I back on the path of getting chemo treatments again. The counts have been too low for me to have chemo safely. Last week, I finally received blood boosters and it worked; however, I have never ached in my bones like I did for those days. The upside is that my counts are up and now I am getting chemo right now as I am typing this. Praise God!

This has been a long and hard journey. I am very tired and emotional. I know that I am calling this, "The Upside to Cancer" but to truly be authentic there are days that I need to cry, and be sad. There are days that I need to sleep and do nothing. There are days that I need to just sit and rest, and rest, and rest. The hardest part about these days are letting someone else do things for me. Most of the time I do try to do some things for myself, but there are still days that I have to give in to myself and let others do what I normally do.

It has been five days since I first started writing this blog. I got so tired in the Chemo Center that I stopped typing. I realized that I could not even think. I just laid there are waited for everything to stop. The unfortunate thing is that I have not stopped being tired this time. Over the weekend I was the sickest that I have ever been since this has all started. I have been thinking that I don't have the time to be sick. There are too many things to do; however, unless someone else does them, they don't get done. I have just been laying around. The only thing that keeps moving is the clock: tick... tock... tick...tock. Time keeps moving. It keeps passing me by. I am almost screaming in my head to get going - get moving- you have so much to do. Then my body weighs in and I lose this battle for today. But the will be another day. Maybe that day I will have more energy to take on the world. You know what I do have? I have my mind and my thoughts. I have my time with my God. And He has His time with me. I hope that this is making since to you. I am very tired and I need to sleep soon. We'll see what happens.

Thankfulness

2009-02-16T10:20:00.003-05:00

Just a fun thing is to say hi.

I am in the cancer treatment center today waiting to see if my counts are up enough to get chemo. It has been hard the past few weeks because my counts have been too low to receive any more chemo. I have been too tired to do much of anything. There were two days last week that I sleep most of the day. I knew that I needed to sleep, but I felt that there was so much that I needed to do. Isn't it funny, odd, weird, or whatever that when someone says to you to sleep that is when you don't feel so bad about all of the sleeping that you do. Especially when there are dishes in the sink, laundry to be done, and books that need to be read. And who knows what ever else there is to do.

Well, I just found that I am not getting chemo. My counts are still too low. This is the third week of having counts that are too low. I am tired of this, but the upside is that it won't interfere with me traveling to Louisiana and Texas in March. I am excited about that! I will be going to meet Buddy's family. We will take a lot of pictures.

I am thankful for the wonderful nurses that are here at the treatment center. They are wonderful and make my visits enjoyable. I try to thank them for serving me as much as possible. As I am say ing this, I am reminded about a teaching that my pastor gave months ago. It was on the greatest people in the kingdom of God are the servants of them all. The nurses at the center serve, and serve. They are truly gifted as servants and I am always blessed when I am here. I thank the Lord for them!

Thank you ladies for helping me through this tough time. You are the BEST!

Finding Fun in the Sad

2009-01-28T12:41:00.005-05:00

I wanted this blog to express all of the upsides to cancer that I am experiencing. I think however, that I have been writing about other topics. One thing is that in my own defense to myself is that I pay attention to more of the world around me. I see more of God in everything. Someone might say something - it might even be only one word and I find that it becomes a teachable moment for me. Then I want to share what I have learned. I think that is the teacher gifting in me. I always love to share what I have learned. It has been great.

In the beginning of my diagnose of Cancer, I was fine until I heard that I was losing my hair. I had beautiful red hair. I loved telling children the reason that God gave me red hair was because He wanted to pick me out of a crowd. I especially loved to tell children with red hair(especially my grandchildren) that story. You know the funny thing is that as a child, I never liked my hair color. I would get called names like carrot top. There were not a lot of redheads when I was a child. It wasn't until I became an adult that I realized carrots had green tops. I'm a woman of God: strong, vibrant, and a very spirited redhead. I'm finding the beauty and upsides to as much as I can right now, even losing me hair.

If you are a woman, you understand about losing your hair. Just yesterday, I heard about another woman that handled everything about her cancer diagnose well until she heard that she was losing her hair. God's word speaks of a woman's hair being her glory. The definition of glory is, "High renown or honor won by notable achievements. praise -worship and thanksgiving offered to God. Magnificence: great beauty.

Hair is special. It is a woman's great beauty. Our hair is our glory. We take what grows from our own heads and we make it beautiful. In the past, I have been like a little girl about my own hair. You know that little girl thing that we women do. We want to be pretty, and cute. We want to be beautiful. It is how God created us. If you read God's word, you can read about the importance of a women's beauty throughout the scriptures.

I'm also still that little girl at heart wanting to to make her hair pretty. To all of you women who are battling cancer and hair loss. Let your hair be your glory, even if it is bought from the store until you are able to grow your own hair. And then grow on... Soon you will be shampooing and conditioning, and moosing, and coloring, and all of the other things that we women do with our hair.

Last Sunday, after church, one of the women (mother Anne) was giving me a complement about how beautiful my hair was. She also said that she noticed how it had grown. I whispered to her that it was a wig. She quickly started to shush me and whispered that she knew that but she said that it was my hair. I bought it and it was mine. I laughed and laughed. She was right! it was my hair - synthetic or authentic, it was mine. Praise God for wig makers!

Water Walking

2009-01-20T11:29:00.003-05:00

Good morning,

Have you ever had a day that seemed very rocky and hard to walk. I saw this photo and thought of my personal life and journey with cancer. I know that things are rocky right now, but the water is right in front of me. I am ready to do some floating, or maybe walking on water! Walking on the water takes total trust in Jesus. Totally letting go and stepping on the water. Peter was an impulsive man that acted without any forethought. He just did it. It was nike time for him, "just do it." Peter might of became afraid of the walk after he got out of the boat, but he did it. He took that first step. I didn't see that any of the other disciples were even willing to try the water walk. They stayed in the boat.

Peter was rebuked for his lack of faith. But he still tried. I believe that is was a preparation and building time for Peter. It was a building block (if you can imagine water as a solid) for his walk with the Lord Jesus. It was prep time for the real walk. Peter didn't stub his toes, or skin his knees on the water. I think that there is something to say about being willing to get out in the water.

On the ground, I have been walking and stumbling on the rocks. It feels like the challenges are coming hard and fast daily. I don't always do it right, and I have a lot bo-bos. Praise God though! I am working on being the righteous man, or woman concept. I am getting up, but I still think that there is something to say about being on, or in the water.

Lord, be there on the water when it is time for me to walk. Catch me! I need you too. I need to know your thoughts. I need to hear your voice. I want to "Water Walk!"

A Teachable Moment

2009-01-15T20:25:00.009-05:00

It is another day, and I am experiencing new mercies this day.

I don't know if anything has changed outside in the world, but what I do know is that I am cal

m and peaceful. I'm resting in the sunlight as I'm writing this letter today. Yesterday, was the day from hell! Everything that could have gone wrong, or come against me - did. I kept hitting brick wall after brick wall. I wanted to cry and I did. I cried all day. It was a very difficult day.

Praise God for True friends! Friends that will come to where you are in your self-pity, but won't let you stay there because it is not good for you. If you have remember a friend that is good at encouraging you, tell them how important they are to you. If you want, give them a hug. It is a happy thing to do. I will talk more about friends another time.

To those of you who have had, or have cancer, you know the struggles. For me, I have many struggles: physical pain, physical strength, memory loss, financial issues, and loneliness. There are most-likely other struggles too, but I can't remember any more right now. Maybe it is a good thing struggling with my memory.

I try to be funny. You know laughter is a merry medicine. Thats the type of medicine that you can never get too much of.

Laugh - Giggle! find the funny in the struggle.

Yesterday, another friend was trying to make tea, sweet tea. He didn't have a measuring cup, so he used an old, green, depression glass cup as his measuring cup for the sugar. He scooped the desired sugar into the tea and then put the cup into the sugar sack and tried to close the bag. The top of the bag was ruffled, and still partially opened. Then without a thought (at least I think there was no thought) he lifted the sugar bag into the cabinet. He was unable to get it on the shelf. It was now to tall to fit in the same place it came from. For a few seconds he still labored at trying to get it to fit. As he was struggling I just watched and knew that the cup inside the bag was taking up to much space, but I didn't want to tell him. He is a big boy and knows about dimensions, measurements, and proportions. Also, keep in mine that as he struggled he was making man struggle noises too. You know, grunting, sighing, and a few words that were borrowed from the unredeemed.

You may be familiar with someone, or something that has happened like this in your life, and you're saying that you have the T-shirt to prove it. Well, let me finish the story before you loose interest. I didn't need to tell him anything. Is all that I needed to do was watch. After some wrestling he realized that the the spacial issue with the cup would not allow him to place the bag on the shelf . So, instead of taking the bag down and putting it on the counter to take the cup out, he leaned the bag over, opened the bag and took the cup out. The only problem was that the cup was full of sugar, well, only for a second. The sugar in the cup was now airborne. It was flying all over the counter and on the floor. It was everywhere. This was my opportunity! It was my opportunity to laugh. I laughed hard! It was fantastic! The man made a mess, and I just laughed and laughed. I laughed so hard that I started to cry. I even tried to stop laughing because he was looking at me with this angry look, or maybe it was horror on his face: I really don't know. But what I do know is that it made it even harder not to laugh. By this time I was bent over with laughter. It was too funny!

The funny thing was that spilt sugar normally was not funny. The man looked at me while I was laughing as though it was not funny, and that made the amusement even more funnier. I roared! I could feel a warmth going through my body. It was merry medicine. It tasted good. No artificial flavors, or preservatives. It was organic! It was living, and produced without any artificial agents. It was the best! I hope I can keep finding "the Funny" in life daily.

I want to laugh like that again tonight, and tomorrow. I am going to look for it as much as I can. I want to look for the laughter and joy in every moment that I can. Life is short here on earth. It is only for a moment. Laugh! Find the merry medicine. Its biblical! Proverbs talks about a cheerful heart being good medicine. In the Psalms, the Lord brought back the captives to Zion. They were filled with laughter and sang songs of joy.

Sing, Laugh and Love. It will change your life for the best. Enjoy. Look for the Funny!

TEACHABLE MOMENT: Sometimes we try to fix things and save people from their struggles. Sometimes fixing things for others does not allow them to learn through their difficulties. Sure we fix things, and life goes on. Learning from our conflicts produces a growth in us that causes us to develop our character. I've heard somewhere that,"if it doesn't kill you - it makes you." Many of those moments cause more stress for us, but isn't that where the growth happens.

Stress (extreme heat and pressure) on coal after a few years (a few billion years) causes it to develop into a diamond. Stress on rocks in a rock tumbler prepares the rocks to be beautiful shinny gemstones. Pure gold is refined through a fire that is used to make precious jewelry. There is documentation that reports about people who are "thriving" as they cope through their stress. According to the dictionary, to thrive is to "prosper, flourish, or develop well. I hope that I will develop well as I learn about me through cancer.

Choose your battles carefully. Find a moment and laugh through your stress.

Make it a teachable moment for you and for those around you.

Enjoy your day - Learn, Laugh, and love!

And sing too.

Find the laughter

2009-01-08T10:00:00.001-05:00

Welcome to my cancer discovery blog. My name is Linda. I'm a mother of two grown children, Garr & Amy. Best of all, a grandmother of five grandchildren. They are all the loves of my life! I have also been a foster parent, and that has been rewarding too. I am a Lifeforming Leadership Life Coach.

I love to use words to describe, or declare encouragement, and life to myself and others. Here are a few words that describe me: mother, grandmother, encourager, dreamer, purpose seeker, value driven, authentic, fun, playful, and loving. The list will grow, so keep a look out for new descriptions of me. Maybe they can also be words that you can adopt for yourself too.

I have been diagnosed with stage 3 non-hodgkins lymphoma. I've started this this blog in order to share my personal challenges and discoveries as I fight this disease. I am not an authority on cancer and don't care to be any kind of authority. What I do hope is that this will encourage you where ever you are in your personal discovery of you, with, or without cancer.